Depression!!!

google defines it as

• a mental state characterized by a pessimistic sense of inadequacy and a despondent lack of activity
• sad feelings of gloom and inadequacy
  
• depressive disorder: a state of depression and anhedonia (an inability to experience pleasure) so severe as to require clinical intervention

Now if you have read into my blog, you may have come across this, now something i didn't mention was that before i met her she was traumatised by some pretty nasty things and was forced to grow up a little quicker than most. anyway this led to a deep depression, which i subsequently was subjected to. Now after all this time i am started to think that my exposure to her condition, though it taught me a lot about people, may have infact caused a depression in me.

symptoms as defined by reach out

Mood

• Feeling sad, moody or crap
• Feeling hopeless or helpless 
• Feeling numb or empty
• Feeling anxious 
• Feeling guilty and blaming yourself
• Unable to feel good or enjoy things that you do normally

Thinking

• Being overly self-critical
• Believing you can't cope and that things are out of your control
• Difficulty making decisions and thinking clearly
• Poor concentrating and memory
• Thinking about suicide or ending your life

Behaviour

• Lack of motivation and energy
• Crying a lot
• Losing interest in activities you usually enjoy 
• Withdrawing from your friends and family or being overly dependent on them
• Increased use of alcohol or other drugs
• Losing your temper more than usual

Physical  

• Loss of appetite or over-eating
• Changes in sleep patterns - difficulty getting to sleep, waking up in the middle of the night or sleeping for longer
• Headaches or stomach aches 
• Feeling physically sick
• Lack of interest in sex

im not going to tell which ones they are, So thats them. Now another organisation had a test on their website, i ranked at medium risk and was only a couple of points away from high risk, which really suprised me, cause i didn't think it was that bad, i mean i feel normal, yeah people think im a little weird but i've been like that for as long as i can remember.

now i know that, if i were to go and check this out and it was to be true, then i would have to go through therapy and i honestly can't be bothered, i sat through years of that crap and it wasn't even for me. 

I also don't want antidepressants are for me either i have seen how they change people. its crazy

now to make things worse all of my friends have dissapeared for the holiday period so i really don't have anyone to talk to anymore, and i think that it is loneliness that gets me the most, it's really when im at my worst.

but what am i to do???

if this keeps up, the future doesn't look so good for me

CLAUSTROPHOBIA?

I found today that i don't like crowded movie theaters, i don't feel right, it made me really unconfortable

I'm used to spreading out a bit, and im used to going to see movies alone, but none of that today!!

NO!! NO!!

There were people  eating, moving, talking, making bodily sounds, all right next to me. it was horrible :(

Mind you the movie i went to see "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" was a really nice movie and i would recommed everone go see it, though if you have read the book, don't bother. Every time someone reads the book before the movie it completely ruins it, and then they give a good movie a bad review just because it didn't coincide with what they had imagined.

I started training today and it was a good first step, soon i will be back to gym and then i will finally get my flips in order, then i will be unstoppable.

the list is as follows

60 x chinups

50 x situps

5 x holding dish for 1min

10 x 1 min handstands

5 x attempted handstand pushup

1 x 1.(something) hr run/jog - walk

do you think thats enough??

Christmas

Ahh the beloved holiday

The joy

The happyness 

The randomness

And most of all the food :D

Christmas is a time where bits and peices of my family gather together as many people as possible together to have a good time, unfortunately we are scattered across the country, and because of a recent devorce we are even more all over the place.

One thing i don't like about Christmas apart from its origin and its over baring presence in society are the presents.

I dispise presents, i have no idea why, but i do....

anyway i didn't realise it was coming up so quickly and now its already here

i don't know where to hide...

One quick quesion

for guys and girls

what day were you born on??



please leave comments, i would really like to know

Stress aversion

So i was having a bitch and a teary at you guys the last post but now i have good news,

The partners have decided to push the project back to the middle of the year which means i now have more time to do everything and i am garunteed a trip to PNG

ahh the AWESOMENESS of it all is astounding

which means i now have more time to do talk to you guys, and do everyday stuff and partyharty like it was 1562

So.... now i need to chase up vac work and cancel shipping

i bid you adeu ;)

The Week Ahead

i am sitting here, stressing and stressing about my project because its not running the way i planned and i have strict timelines :(

so ill let it out here

Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress Stress

*sigh*

monday i go back to melbourne for pre-departure training, you know so i don't screw up 1000's of years of culture and politics. this week end i have to start preparing the equipment to go, hmm seems easy but we'll see later and then when i get back it will be the same thing, unfortunately i have run into a little dilema, i didn't realise that the shipping yards went on holidays over the christmas period so, i have the choice to ship on the 17th of december or the 8th of january.

anyone who has any info i need to make this descision has up and left for what i assume would be christmas holidays which leaves me in a state of limbo.

but i push on, doing all i can do in preparation.

i feel that everyone is going to be angry at me though, and it is really bizzare being under sooooo much pressure to achieve

its like im on the edge of a breakdown, anythings that doesn't work for me lately has just given me the shits, and i just refuse to participate.


moving on.....

im finding i have less and less time for things on the internet now. this was my last refuge after i was so quickly removed from my life in normal day time society, but i have found something. somebody in an engineering firm is willing to take me on to do Vac Work but because of normal work and my project and the bureaucracy of uni i am struggling to find the time to work out the fine details. also now that i have to go for the majority of the week i will be unable to persue this for a while, and i hope this doesn't leave them a bit pissed.

but at least i have one thing, more sane than i at the moment which is shweta, who i have been talking to over the last couple of days and she did something that made me smile, :) she wrote about me in her blog so im going to give you a link and maybe you'll like her too

post
http://munchkinhugs.blogspot.com/2008/12/hitlerishness.html
blog
http://munchkinhugs.blogspot.com/

the topic being that hitler was an emo clown (mind you it has absolutly nothing to with hitler or emos)

*crack of thunder*

and it rains, well i guess we'll just have to check the equipment in the wet tomorrow


so thats my current situation and my 2 cents

back off to plan,


ciao

xoxoxox (to all who want it otherwise there's a handshake waiting for you)

apparently everyone is doing this

1. What's your name?siralmo

2. What is your favorite thing to wear?undies – they make me feel secure

3. Last thing you ate?chocolate mousse

4. One place you will NEVER eat at?the fish and chips shop down the road

5. I say Shotgun, you say:duck

6. Last person you hugged?Irene

7. Does anyone you know wanna date you?probably not

8. Would you date anyone you met online?hmm dunno

9. Name something you like physically about yourself:my flabbies as irene so kindly put it

10. The last place you went out to dinner to?the Broncos leagues club

11. Who is your best friend?best friend?.

12. What time of the day is it?12:23am

13. Who/What made you angry today?the shipping times over christmas

14. Baseball or Football?futebol or AFL

15. Ever gone skinny dipping?that seems personal, have you? Maybe ;)

16. Favorite type of Food?anything but the foods that I don’t like

17. Favorite holiday:one that I’m not responsible for anything

18. Do you download music:when I need to, there should be exceptions for students

19. Do you care if your socks are dirty?depends on how dirty, I might wear them a couple of time depending on how they feel

20. Opinion of Chinese symbol tattoos?well if you don’t know mandarin or Cantonese chances are not going to know exactly whats being written on you

21. Would you date the person that posted this?it depends, on whether he will be available soon but I don’t know if he would be into that… just jokes

22. Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally?no

23. Do you love anyone?
love is such a strong word, so not at the moment

24. Are colored contact lenses sexy?the contacts aren’t important, it’s the person underneath that counts

25. Have you ever bungee jumped?no

26. Have you ever gone white-water rafting?no

27. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you?yes

28. How many pets do you have?2 - Zorro and our fish

29. Have you met a real redneck?yes – nothing wrong with them really

30. How is the weather right now?Hot Humid

31. What are you listening to right now?Nothing

32. What is your current favorite song?Listening to bloc partys new album, its alright

33. What was the last movie you watched? cant remember

34. Do you wear contacts? no

35. Where was the last place you went besides your house?broncos leagues club

36. What are you afraid of?getting hurt

37. How many piercings have you had?none

38. What piercings do you want?none

39. What's one thing you've learned this year?people are actually here to help me

40. What do you usually order from Starbucks?Nothing

41. What Magazines are you reading?none

42. Have you ever fired a gun:no

43. Are you missing someone?hahaha yeh, I don’t know where I lost them

44. Favourite TV show?heros or scrubs

45. Do you have an obession with WoW?NO

46. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celeb?hahaha all the time except no one can ever seem to remember who, obviously that person is not famous enough

47. What celeb do you look like?refer to last answer

48. Who would you like to see right now?you

49. Favorite movie of all time?none though I saw my fair lady for the first time the other day and it was the funniest thing I had ever seen

50. Do you find yourself loved?hahahaha not for a long time

51. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't suppose to?offcourse, but its getting out of it that makes it all worth while

52. Favorite smell?food or flowers

53. Butter, plain, or salted popcorn?popcorn I think salt is enough

54. What's something that really bugs you?
At the moment I can’t think of anything

55. Do you like Michael Jackson?personally, I don’t know him, so…

56. Taco Bell or Burger King?hungry jacks ;)

57. What's your favorite perfume?umm I only wear these things for people special to me

58. Favorite baseball team?NO

59. Ever call a 1-900 phone number?NO

60. What's the longest time you've gone without sleep?Three days – man you have great sleep after that one

61. Last time you went bowling?the other week

62. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
On the floor

63. Who was your last phone call?lady from shipping company

64. Last time you were at work?2 weeks ago

65. What's the closest orange object to you?an led in my room