Depression!!!

google defines it as

• a mental state characterized by a pessimistic sense of inadequacy and a despondent lack of activity
• sad feelings of gloom and inadequacy
  
• depressive disorder: a state of depression and anhedonia (an inability to experience pleasure) so severe as to require clinical intervention

Now if you have read into my blog, you may have come across this, now something i didn't mention was that before i met her she was traumatised by some pretty nasty things and was forced to grow up a little quicker than most. anyway this led to a deep depression, which i subsequently was subjected to. Now after all this time i am started to think that my exposure to her condition, though it taught me a lot about people, may have infact caused a depression in me.

symptoms as defined by reach out

Mood

• Feeling sad, moody or crap
• Feeling hopeless or helpless 
• Feeling numb or empty
• Feeling anxious 
• Feeling guilty and blaming yourself
• Unable to feel good or enjoy things that you do normally

Thinking

• Being overly self-critical
• Believing you can't cope and that things are out of your control
• Difficulty making decisions and thinking clearly
• Poor concentrating and memory
• Thinking about suicide or ending your life

Behaviour

• Lack of motivation and energy
• Crying a lot
• Losing interest in activities you usually enjoy 
• Withdrawing from your friends and family or being overly dependent on them
• Increased use of alcohol or other drugs
• Losing your temper more than usual

Physical  

• Loss of appetite or over-eating
• Changes in sleep patterns - difficulty getting to sleep, waking up in the middle of the night or sleeping for longer
• Headaches or stomach aches 
• Feeling physically sick
• Lack of interest in sex

im not going to tell which ones they are, So thats them. Now another organisation had a test on their website, i ranked at medium risk and was only a couple of points away from high risk, which really suprised me, cause i didn't think it was that bad, i mean i feel normal, yeah people think im a little weird but i've been like that for as long as i can remember.

now i know that, if i were to go and check this out and it was to be true, then i would have to go through therapy and i honestly can't be bothered, i sat through years of that crap and it wasn't even for me. 

I also don't want antidepressants are for me either i have seen how they change people. its crazy

now to make things worse all of my friends have dissapeared for the holiday period so i really don't have anyone to talk to anymore, and i think that it is loneliness that gets me the most, it's really when im at my worst.

but what am i to do???

if this keeps up, the future doesn't look so good for me