Very quick post

Because i've finished assignmenting..

i still have exams and project to deal with to be content so no rest for me, must keep moving, though since my last couple of posts i have been thinking a lot about where i am at the moment and what i want... and i came up with a very strange list. Now at the same time i have a friend who got a boyfriend recently, which seems to be the latest of a trend of all my friends lately. i had a look at this list and i noticed that i was actually quite lonely.

all of the things that i was thinking about, talking about, reading about and writing about were about relationships. but the thing is i have no time with which to play and get to know people in because it always seem like im doing something or going somewhere, i have never really settled in one place for too long.

funnily enough i have allways done that with friends aswell i can only remember one point in my life where i had more than one friend, you know the kind of friend that you talk to all the time, see all the time do stuff with. now i dont really have have friends...

although come to think of it, i have 2 but that doesnt count, cause one i go to uni with and the other i went to school with and lives up the road (but hardly ever see cause too busy).

so anyway back to no friends... i have what i like to call acquaintances, cause i have met you once, twice or a whole bunch of times but nothing really happens with it for some reason there is like a force field or a wall between us, given the opportunity i would love to hang around with heaps of people but like i said it just doesnt happen.

in any case my need for closeness has deminished as i have learned to deal with all the crap emotions that come right out when you push the right buttons and that has made quite introverted once again, every thing i have to say just come out superficial

e.g.

what ya doin?
your dress looks nice
how's things?
oh yeh!! thats pretty awesome
cool...

and thats what the conversation consists of just a repeat of those and similar phrases, but i can't help it i try to engage people but when i do i always think im being a nuisance so i finish upwhat im saying and leave or change the topic.

whats worse is that because i have no time im spending more and more time interacting with total strangers on the net because i get at least some level of connection. compared to my normal life. i mean just a comparison when i had just broken up with my last girlfriend i had nothing on the net at all. because all my attention was on her and thats as simple as it got. i didnt care cause i had someone more important to me than anything else.

but when it was taken away it left me very open, i used to be one to wear my heart on my sleeve,and when you spend every spare second with some one and then its gone there is a huge void..

void fixers internet/alcohol, i joined qut motorsport i joined engineers without borders i joined a million things just to fill the void... and fill the void it did. but having done all of that i found that i had spread my self to thin and didnt want to let everybody down so i overworked myself almost to the point of no return but at least it distracted me from the reality of what i was actually feeling. becaus little did i realise that the void was eating away at me especially since i pretty much spent all my other time drinking. At one point i remember drinking everyday for a month or 2 and that was just time gone like that i did nothing i contributed nothing i acheived nothing i studied i worked and i drank...

now its not an addiction cause i dont need it infact i have not had a drink now for that past 2 months. and im fine but my point is its not like its going to stop me from drinking later.

so now i am aware of my void (just to pull this post back on track) and i will post my list later when i get the time and then ou can judge for yourself. i just fear for all my wants and needs that i am never going to find someone willing to be with me. im sure if people actually got to know me they would know that im as easy goin as they come and for some reason i seem to bend over backwards to other peoples needs. maybe im too eagar to please. not that its a conscious thing.

i just have no one to bounce things off i guess.. that would probably explain the introvertedness, i've had a thought... that if i dont have anyone to talk to then i turn to myself and if i turn to myself i tend not to consider what others think. cause im the only that "matters". because nobody else cares.

as selfish as that sounds that how i see it.

i will continue this later

one last thing...

the person who said it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all was pulling out of their arse.

1. ignorance is bliss
2. the only thing better than ignorance is love itself

which leaves love lost at the bottom of the list, the shittest place to be

ahhh!!! im being consumed by the antilove

night ;)